Sunday, October 18, 2009

The "Perry Mason" of Rabbits:


228. Roger Rabbit spews:

@140 There you go dodging the question again. The only thing the processing of fuel rods is relevant to is getting the bomb. If they never get the bomb they can process fuel rods to their hearts’ content and nobody will care.

You’d make a lousy witness in court, pudpacker. Let me explain why: You wander all over the map instead of answering the question you were asked!

Visualize this courtroom scenario:

GOP LAWYER: Your Honor, I’d like to call my witness.

JUDGE: Proceed.

GOP LAWYER: Would Mr. Pudpacker take the stand please.

[Witness is sworn.]

GOP LAWYER: Mr. Pudpacker, could you briefly describe your qualifications?

PUDDY: I’m a wingnut.

ROGER RABBIT: Objection, nonresponsive answer.

JUDGE: It’s a gray area, Mr. Rabbit; I’ll let it go this time. Mr. Pudpacker, please try to answer the questions in a responsive fashion.

GOP LAWYER: Mr. Pudpacker, when did North Korea get the bomb?

PUDDY: It’s Clinton’s fault they have the bomb.

ROGER RABBIT: Objection, your honor, nonresponsive and in addition the witness is giving opinion testimony without having been qualified as an expert witness, plus it’s hearsay.

GOP LAWYER: He’s entitled to state the facts as he knows them, your honor.

JUDGE: Well, maybe I’ll allow it, if you ask appropriate followup questions to lay a foundation.

ROGER RABBIT: Your honor, if you intend to allow them to proceed with this, then I’d like to request a clarification.

JUDGE: State your request.

ROGER RABBIT: Which Clinton is he referring to?

PUDDY: All of them. Bill, Hillary, and Chelsea. Plus Monica. It’s all their fault.

GOP LAWYER: Nothing further of this witness, your honor.

JUDGE: You may cross-examine.

ROGER RABBIT: I thought you wanted him to lay a foundation.

JUDGE: You can do that just as easily on cross.

ROGER RABBIT: I’d like the court to note an exception on the court’s original ruling to allow the answer into the record for all the reasons I previously stated.

JUDGE: Noted.

ROGER RABBIT: Mr. Pudpacker, isn’t it true that North Korea didn’t test a bomb until 2006?

PUDDY: The framework let them get it.

ROGER RABBIT: Objection, your honor, irrelevant and nonresponsive.

JUDGE: Well, Mr. Rabbit, if I correctly understand what he’s referring to, and I think I do, your relevancy objection would fail …

ROGER RABBIT: Your honor, if I may, I asked him a simple straightforward question that calls
for a “yes” or “no” answer.

JUDGE: What was the question again?

ROGER RABBIT: I asked him if it’s true North Korea didn’t test a bomb until 2006.

JUDGE: Answer the question, witness.

PUDDY: It doesn’t matter when they got it. What matters is it’s Clinton’s fault they got it, because of the framework.

ROGER RABBIT: Mr. Pudpacker, did you have a mother, or were you hatched from a rock?

JUDGE: What?

GOP LAWYER: Objection, your honor! Irrelevant.

ROGER RABBIT: Let me explain the relevancy. I’m trying to find out whether the witness is capable of answering the question he’s been asked, or if he’s always gives answers to questions he wasn’t asked. You ought to allow this, your honor, because you’ve allowed everything else so far.

JUDGE: I don’t quite see where you going, and this had better get relevant pretty fast, or I’ll shut it down without further discussion.

ROGER RABBIT: Answer the question I asked you, Mr. Pudpacker. The last question I asked you, that is.

PUDDY: I guarantee you my mother wasn’t a feral rabbit living in a public park. I come from a respectable family.

ROGER RABBIT: Your honor, at this time, I request the witness be dismissed and directed to leave the courtroom — no, hell, directed to leave the state — and his entire testimony be stricken as nonresponsive, irrelevant, opinion, speculative, hearsay, and stupid.

JUDGE: Is there such a thing as an evidence rule on stupidity?

ROGER RABBIT: You have that discretion under the inherent equitable powers of the court, your honor.

PUDDY: Does that mean I can go now?


PUDDY: I’m telling you, it’s Clinton’s fault. All of them. It’s the Clintons’ fault. Chelsea too. And Socks … their cat had a paw in this, too. They never should have let North Korea get the bomb. It was the framework. Socks should have stopped them.

ROGER RABBIT: You’re nuts.

JUDGE: I’m inclined to agree with you this time, Mr. Rabbit.

GOP/LAWYER: Your honor, if I may have the last word, it makes perfect sense from the Republican point of view …

ROGER RABBIT: That’s the whole problem. With all of you.

JUDGE: Agreed. I think we’re adjourned now.

10/18/2009 at 9:08 pm


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